Episode 2# “Enter the token bloke.” By Emily

WE RECAP READERS, AS A GIANT YAK PLUMMETS TOWARDS OUR STRICKEN HEROINES FLIBBAGE AND BEANSPROUT, RIDDEN BY A CRAZED AND REPULSIVE MANIAC…

“Ineffectual, eh?” said Flibbage nonchalantly, “I have my parents powers.”

“You have CABBAGE MAGIC!” screamed Beansprout. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DIDN’T SAY SOMETHING!!! DO SOMETHING!!!”[Cabbage magic being the obvious remedy for a rampaging yak, apparently]

“Well that’s not technically correct, it’s mostly, my dad’s magic, so you can’t call it that…”

“WHAT DO THEY CALL IT???!!!”

“Donkey magic.” (YAY!)[old, old joke based on radio audio clips]

“Why? No, wait, don’t tell me.”

Just then they realized that they were still in great danger because the yak was still charging and had not in fact died of boredom while they were still chatting away.

“ARGH!!! DOOO SOMETHING!!!” Said the fearless (especially so) Beansprout, and Flibbage waved her green wand around in the air a few times. Suddenly giant cabbages sprouted up, making the yak realize it was a bit peckish after its six month trek across Mongolia and it came to an abrupt stop, flinging its rider headlong into a tree.

“Nice!” Said Beansprout and slapped Flibbage a high five, forgetting that she was only six inches tall and made mostly of legs and Afro hair. Therefore Flibbage said “ouch.”

“Serves you right for forgetting you had magical powers until the last minute.”

“DONKEY magic powers.”

“Oh. Excuse me. DONKEY magic powers.”

Just then the yak man gave a small groan.

“Are you dead yet?” said Beansprout holding her nose.

“Thanks for rescuing me from that yak!” said the Yak man, who it appeared was actually a young boy, about the age of nine.

“Whu’?” Said Flibbage, But you were screaming with laughter and trying to run us down!”

“I was screaming all right! Folking Yaks, I’m allergic to them. “[I suppose he doesn't explain the laughter because he shares Ally's dislike of padded rooms]

“But you’re a yak boy!”

“Alas, my life is not a happy one… * sigh* “

It was at this moment that an extremely yucky looking arm shot out of the small dimensional portal and dragged the yak through, screaming. It then closed up with a small * pop!*

“Yeeeeah!” said the yak boy “Go portal! Woohoo!!!”

“Wow!” said Flibbage “That was right by my head and I never knew! Amazing!”

“Um, I’d better introduce myself; my name is Yakky, son of Gruut (Bartholemew) the yak man and Buffy-the-vampire-slayer.”

“wow, we all seem to have struck lucky in the name game…” Flibbage muttered.

“What a coincidence, Buffy’s trying to kill me!”

“Oh yeah, I was really supposed to be killing you,”

“Argh.” Said Beansprout and half heartedly waved the ineffective machine gun around in an ineffectual kind of way.

“Oh don’t worry I can’t be arsed with it, really… besides this yak skin is giving me a rash” he said and began to scratch himself unattractively. Flibbage and Beansprout grimaced until Flibbage came up with a cunning plan to turn the skin into a very fetching (but green and 98% water) suit.

“Thanks” said Yakky “And you are…?”

“Flibbage Daughter of Cabbage the vegetable fairy and Heir to the throne of Faerieland.”

“Ah, yes. The one with cabbage magic, right?”

“NO!!! It’s DONKEY magic, IF you don’t mind!”[she continues to insist this as if Donkey magic were in some way infinitely more acceptable than Cabbage magic...]

“Fine. Fine.”

Just then, a dastardly shadow appeared at the top of the hill.

“What are you waiting for boy? Kill them!”

“Crap, it’s mum.” Yakky said, “she seems quite miffed.”

Everyone started running very fast, but Buffy was gaining on them. Flibbage in her third great deed of the day decided to use her magic (of the donkey variety). So like a fur ball shot from the celestial filter of the vacuum cleaner of god, a donkey fell on Buffy, quite probably knocking the wind out of her and getting considerable amounts of mud on her impeccable shoes.

“Oh, so it is donkey magic.” Said Beansprout.

“Yes,” said Flibbage as if Beansprout had said something like ‘Oh, two plus two is four’. Beansprout just rolled her eyes and Yakky, it must be said, looked quite relieved.

“What’s on the floppy disk?” said Yakky making Beansprout realize she was still clutching the ‘prophecy’ in her hand.

“Dunno. What’s on the disk Flib?”

“Dunno…Prophecy…thing.” said Flibbage, hands on her chin. There was a small pause as they realized that none of them actually knew what was on the disk...

“Let us find a learned Wise man, who can tell us the secret of the disk” Quoth Yakky.

“Let us find a magic talisman that will unlock the secret!” said Flibbage.

“Oh God.” Said Beansprout, “Lets. Get. To. A. Computer.”

“…oh yeah” Said Flibbage and Yakky, looking sheepish.

“Right. I must quest for a laptop!” said Beansprout, “Then I’m going to quest for better sidekicks!”

WILL BEANSPROUT FIND A HANDY WINDOWS 2000 PC TO TELL HER HER DESTINY?[2000? As in the forgotten love child of the Windows franchise, having been quickly replaced by Millenium Edition in the hope that no one would notice?]

WILL FLIBBAGE GET A LITTLE QUICKER ON THE UPTAKE?

WILL YAKKY GET RID OF HIS SKIN PROBLEMS?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON UMMM….

INU-BU-YAK-ASHA!

* How clever of me, what a name! I’m a genius. Thank you fans.* (Aaahh…the memories…)(Well It’s true, I am. You would have called it something dumb like… Sword of the Things… that’s what you would have called it miss pun queen)