Episode #7 “Beandiana Jones and the Temple of Choom.” By Ally

Our heroes set off across the frozen (well, quite cold) wastes of Nepal, Beansprout wearing an intrepid expression as she toted the hilariously outsized machine gun and also two lazy-ass Faeries who couldn’t be bothered to fly.
Yakky was not as strong-willed. “I’m tired! My feet hurt! I’m still tired. I have blisters! This cheap polyester is chafing me!”[Chelsea merchandise is NOT cheap polyester. It is outrageously priced polyester.]
“That’s what you get for liking Chelsea” Beansprout said unhelpfully “besides its either walking or riding one of those yaks.”
“Shutting up right now.”
“Yaks?” said Flib suddenly, “isn’t that bad?”
“Why?”
“Duh! your mum!”
“Oh dammit!” Yakky exclaimed, looking at a strange tattoo on the Yak’s arses. “She bought out Nepal!”
“This must be part of her fiendish plot to take over the world, kill me and my mum and steal away my dad like the sneaky world-dominating freak she is!” Sprout yelled. [She’s welcome to steal him. Don’t put in too much effort, Sprout.][Do mine ears hear the sound of the frantic scrabblings of ‘She who Never Fancied Darry’?]
“Yeah whatever,” Cablim muttered.
“Nah, she’s gone off him” said Yakky “Its just the principle of the thing, Y’know?. She holds grudges.”
“Why the hell’s she holding a grudge!? My mum fancied him first!” [But she’s better now][you aren’t going to write something derogatory every time Barry is mentioned are you?][trying too hard to sound innocent, methinks]
“And she got him first too. Plus we wrecked her shoes. That’s worse than swearing in her books.”
“Well **** her!” Sprout said, when suddenly the laptop beeped and Ralph Wiggum’s voice whined through the speaker.
*What’s mail?*
“Bill Gates is weird....” Flib observed. Cablim fluttered onto the laptop as Sprout opened it and clicked on the message icon.
“Hey wow man! I didn’t know these mortal dudes had magic!” Cablim observed.
“They don’t, asshole. And if you don’t stop speaking in that embarrassing way you’ll be back in that bottle before you can say Dude!” Flib growled and hit him round the head. Cablim began to mutter under his breath as Sprout read the e-mail;

“Dear Sprout, we love you very much but please don’t come home till Buffy’s dead, because the ground force people are here doing the garden and we need you to pose as our great aunt or something. Sent you something that might help though,

loads of love, Red .”

 Sprout clicked on the attachment file. The laptop exploded noisily and violently, in a sparkly mushroom cloud, sending Sprout Yakky and Flib flying backwards. Cablim was engulfed in the cloud.
“DAH!” yelledeveryone
“They tried to kill me! Why’d they try to kill me!” raged Sprout. The yaks looked on in mild amusement.
“Nah, that was stale cabbage magic. It gets like that when you Email it, bloody fool.” said Flibbage grumbling and dusting herself off. Then “Oh MY GOD CABLIM!!!”
There was no sign of the small annoying elf amongst the smoking wreckage. Flib flew over and began to pull it apart.
“OhmygodohmygodmumisgoingtoCRUCIFYmeforthis ohgodcablimifyou’redeadimgoingtobloodyKILLyou!!!!”“Using her superior strength (and scale) Sprout lifted up the remains of the laptop. Underneath lay a bedraggled, wrinkled and bearded Cablim, who sat up and coughed.
“What are you young whippersnapper dudes staring at?” He wheezed.
“Cool,” said Beansprout “The wisdom of youth combined with the energy of old age.”
“What’re you talking about?”
Flib handed him her mirror.
“Jesus! MAN That SUCKS!”
“Let’s find the temple,” Sprout said, stifling a snigger, “so this terrible situation can be rectified.”
“Duh?”
“Let’s find it anyway. Here is not a good place to be right now.” quavered Yakky, frantically tapping Sprout on the shoulder.
“Why?”
“Oh, no reason. Just that these Yaks aren’t really Yaks- they’re men. In clever Robotic suits” he added, rather spoiling the effect. The Yaks abruptly fell to pieces like badly made transformers with a screeching noise and men with bumpy foreheads and sharp teeth crawled out of the wreckage.
“What the hell are they?!” Beansprout exclaimed, backing away and waving the machine gun nervously.
“Mum’s fake vampire minions. They’re all called Angel.”
Angel, Angel, Angel and Angel et c. reached simultaneously behind their backs and each brought out an evil looking machine gun of their own.[surely Angel's too hardcore to use machine guns? And by 'hardcore' I do of course mean 'stupid'...]
“Bastards!” said Flib.
“Watch your language young lady, honestly the youth of today- oh crap!” said Cablim.
“What?”
“That’s the machine gun I was supposed to bring you, handily duplicated in a cruel twist of fate and because the writer is a cheat.”
“Dammit!” Sprout said pulling the trigger. This was accompanied by the usual wheeze and puff of smoke, but this time it grew to cover the advancing vampires and make them cough a bit.
“Wow!” said Yakky, “it is useful for something!”
“Of course it is,” snapped Flib, and then shrieked as the vampires emerged through the smoke.
“Oh no! We blew our chance to get away!!” Yakky cried.
“Well what are you worried about? She’s your mum!”
“I wrecked her shoes!!!”
The nearest vampire reached out to grab Sprout’s arm, when suddenly the ground gave way beneath them and they [minus the vampires][god knows how…] fell a very long way down into a pit. Flib had the presence of mind to create a nice soft bed of cabbage leaves on the rocky floor, but it was still really rather painful.
“OW!” said Yakky and Sprout. Cablim strained his rickety old wings and somehow managed not to land.
With a hum bright electric lights flickered on and a high pitched voice shouted, “Go away Cabbagy freaks or I’ll eat your heads!!!”
WHO IS THE MYSTERIOUS VOICE? [No, guess, really.]
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THE PROPHECY? [sorry to pass it back to you, but I’ve written loads and some of its come true already][frankly, I'd have thought it should just have been making up for episode 5]
WHY DID RED AND BARRY CALL GROUND FORCE AT SUCH AN INNAPROPRIATE TIME?
WILL CABLIM REGAIN HIS YOUTH?