Episode #43 "Heaven is a shoe shop." By Ally

"Oh my God! Buffy is… GOD!!!" said J.
"Funny, that. Flibbage said that a long time ago. Those exact same words-" Yakky replied.
"Yeah, but now it's true," said Flibbage most eloquently, "Aw shit."
"Back Back!" the newly crowned Queen of Heaven
"Mmmpfle!" exclaimed Jesus.
"MUM! Why do you always have to do this?" said Yakky angrily, "By the way, I missed you…"
"Oh dear," said J, "I killed her and now she's God. I'm screwed."
"WHEN YOU'VE ALL QUITE FINISHED?!" Beansprout shouted, waving the sword around. "What the HELL do you think you're doing, Buffy?"
"Well I do have a long and detailed plan involving me bringing about Armageddon, but I wouldn't want to bore you." Buffy replied carelessly.
"BORE ME BITCH!"
"Um… well… I'm really just bringing about Armageddon," said Buffy sheepishly.
"Oh. Well. Um… hah! You'll never get away with this!"
"Oh please, am I supposed to be afraid of a little girl with no soul?"
"She has too!" [wouldn't 'a soul' be better?][ No, because unlike Flibbage, Yakky isn't very eloquent when annoyed, so he reverts to childish behaviour.]
"Shut up Yakky, you can't fool me, I'm God." Buffy clicked her fingers and the four intrepid heroes found themselves chained up just like Jesus. "Now if you don't mind, I have an Apocalypse to attend to. War! Famine! Pestilence! Death!"
Four figures emerged from a celestial portal (i.e. Pearly-white door).
"Gah!" said Flibbage, those are Faeries! It's your uncle Fliain and that other one- Flom!"
"Hi guys," said Famine and Pestilence [Appropriate I think. Heehee I still do. How many times have I written Heehee?]
"Who are those other two?"
"Flucey and Fhloey, you don't know them." Buffy interrupted, "Now shut up and stay put while we go and end all humanity."
Hmm, thought Beansprout I must be cunning and find out how long we've got to free ourselves. "How long will that take?"
"One galactic week." Buffy said, sweeping out with her horsepersons.
"J?" Flib asked.
"Uh… divide by two, carry the three, advanced trig and some temporal calculus… one hour."
"Feh! That goddamn mother of mine!!! [Says Yakky for the first, last and only time] What's the point anyway?"
"Oh come on, since when has Buffy needed a motive other than blind hatred?" Beansprout replied, "Flib, plan time!"
"Hmm," said Flibbage, reverting to her tiny self, which caused the ropes to fall uselessly to the floor. "Tell you what. I'll untie you guys, then we'll find Buffy and kill her and all the horsepersons with the Sword of Slayskull."
"Buffy's dead already, and why kill the horsepersons? And how come I was a ghost with no soul? And how come all those random people are the horsepersons anyway? WHYYY???"
"Mmpf mmh MMFFHH!!!"
"I don't know, why don't you ask Jesus?" said Flibbage, as she finished untying the others and took off Jesus' gag.
"Ta love," said Jesus.
"Dah! I mean, thanks Jesus, I'm sure you didn't mean to sound like a cockney pub owner." [why is she thanking him? He didn't do anything! (Sorry Jesus)][ I don't know why don't we ask the Stupid-Head who wrote the episode, as opposed to blaming the innocent typist for everything?]
"I am a cockney pub owner, love. I reside in all God's children." Jesus said sounding quite hurt.
"Riigght."
"Do you have the answers Jesus?" asked Yakky.
"Yes my son. I have all the answers."
"Well?" snapped Beansprout.
"No, you can't kill Buffy, don't kill the other horsepersons because they are amusing to poke fun at, you can be a ghost without a soul, just a sinful ghost and the horsepersons are those people because God thought it would be good to spice up their lives a bit."
"Thanks Jesus! Wait, do you mean God as in Buffy?"
"No, I mean God as in my mother."
"Well where is she?"
"She's on holiday. Did you really think Buffy could fight God and win?" [well, she fought a goddess…although that's a Buffy that our Buffy isn't really based on at all, apart from the name and the occasional joke -][Once again YOU WROTE IT!!!]
"Okay, Okay." Beansprout grumbled, "Let's go and save the world AGAIN."
"Can I come?"
"Only if you've got special Jesus-powers." [I wrote that, haha, stealing your thunder].
"Hey!" said Yakky, "I'll have no part in killing-"
"Exorcising mate."
"Quiet Jesus, -my mum."
Beansprout stared at him. "But Yakky, we need you!"
"No you don't," he said stubbornly, "you can all take care of yourselves, especially you, Sprout," he continued thinking, now she'll beg to me to come along, maybe she'll declare her undying love for me.
"Duh! You know what happened last time! If us four don't work together the whole world gets screwy!"
"That ploy really crashed and burned," whispered J to Yakky, who scowled.
"Well, tough, I'm staying," he said, sulkily and sat down, "come back when you're finished."
"Yakky, don't be an idiot…" Beansprout began.
"Ah, leave him to sit there if he's gonna be a baby," Flibbage said, "I have a better plan…
To stop the world getting mangled and bloody
We'll borrow Yakky's understudy!"
*Kablamo!*
"What in the seven hells? - Oh no, not you again," growled Inu-Yasha.
"Want to help us kill a woman with perfect hair and some rogue Faeries?"
"Nyurgh rrgh mutter mutter fine."
"Now can we go? Time is ticking away, because of certain LOSERS and their PATHETIC BABYISH WHINING!"
"Okay, unless J chickens out too, in which case I'll have to summon Ali G, which I'd rather not do."
"I'm cool," said J, stating the obvious.
"Great! Yakky, stay right there and try not to break heaven. J, got weapons?"
"Check."
"Flib, got magic?"
"Check!"
"Inu-Yasha… do you have fleas?"
"Just the one, and he'll run away if there's danger," said the half demon, scratching his head.
"Flibbage, say the words."
"This certainly is no time for mirth,
Take us back to planet Earth!"
[my spells are SHITE! ][Actually, your original spell had 'Tumpty tumpty tumpty… Girth' as the first line. I was attempting to salvage a really atrocious spell.]
*Blazzaar!*
"Bastards," muttered Yakky, scowling at the spot where they'd been standing, and not accepting that it was entirely his own fault.
* * *
They materialised back in Devon, where ill-fated omens were taking place left right and center.
"Rivers of blood, darkening sky, Westlife at No.1… this is scary stuff," Beansprout commented, "Everyone ready to kick that bitch's exfoliated butt?" [that's actually a disgusting line. ] [Well who wrote it? Uh- YOU!]
"Yup," said Flibbage, brandishing her wand.
"No problems," said J, raising the Noisy Cricket.
"Nah, forget it." Inu-Yasha replied from a tree.
"WHAT!?" Beansprout yelled up at him.
"I've just remembered I don't do anything unless there's a Shikon shard involved."
"Or Kagome," Flibbage reminded him.
"Nnyargh!!! That's not true!" he yelled falling out of the tree.
"Oh, get on with it. There won't be any shards or Kagome left to run around after if you don't help us."
"Alright, alright. And I don't run around after Kagome!!!"
HOW MUCH PRECIOUS TIME IS LEFT BEFORE THE END OF THE WORLD?
WILL THEY HAVE ENOUGH TO FIND BUFFY AND STOP HER?
WILL YAKKY REALISE WHAT A PRAT HE'S BEING?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON INUBUYAKASHA!