Episode #44 "The importance of being soulless." By Emily.

"RED!" squeaked Cabbage, "The world is ending again, my tea leaves told me so!" She stood in the corridor outside Red's apartment in the palace, nervously hopping from one foot to the other, and clutching an empty mug with 'Ciao Bella!' on the side [Because in this reality, one's mother does not take one's favourite souvenir mug and callously break it, ][-or if she does, she meets with the magical WRATH OF CABBAGE!!!]. "And what's that, tea leaves? Today, you may face confrontations with annoying people…"
Just at that second, the door burst open, and Barry was thrown out into the corridor. A flowerpot followed and struck him in the forehead.
"AND STAY OUT!!!" Red yelled from inside. [YAY!!! I'm going to pretend real life actually went this way, and I dumped him, instead of him 'breaking up' (snarl) with me][ -Because it's not dumping if you 'Break up'. What a loser man…]Barry sat on the floor and looked dolefully at Cabbage.
"Isn't she meeeeeean!?" he whined.
"Out of my palace." intoned the Faerie Queen, pointing towards the nearest exit.
"But Cab-"
"OUT!!!"
"Yes Cabbage," he replied mournfully and walked off like a kicked puppy.
"MEN!" said the two friends to each other as Red opened the door to check he was gone.
"Look at all the 666's everywhere, it's not as if Faeries are demonic!" said Cabbage with an air of righteous indignation.
"Aw, the children will sort it out," Red replied, wrinkling her nose at the contents of the mug Cabbage was brandishing. [Because Cabbage drinks black tea, which gives Red a headache][ That's because Red is a skanky coffee drinker and Cabbage has style.]
"Indeed, but in case they don't, let's go have a drink." Something that only gives Red a headache when she really deserves it
* * *
One of the more senior henchmen at the NGSPIB [which by some amazing chance can also refer to No Good Stupid Piece-of-shit Insensitive ex-Boyfriends][ I LIKE IT!!!] HQ looked at his reports and said "WHAAAAT!!?"
"Duh?" said a lesser henchman.
"Buffy's trying to bring about Armageddon from beyond the grave!"
"Doesn't she ever give up? How do we know that then?" [Because she's your ALLY! Although being stupid henchmen you wouldn't know that]
"Oh we have our informant in Faerie, those damn elves know everything."
"Dammit. And just when we were finalizing a plan to regain our hold on planet Earth!"
* * *
23 minutes 19 seconds later, Yakky suddenly thought; Folk! What the hell am I doing sulking in a tree when the only three people in the world I give a damn about are risking their asses trying to save the world from my mother, who is in fact, already dead, and a psychopath!?" He jumped down from the tree, frantically thinking 'how can I get to them before the world ends?'
Nestled in between the roots of the tree was an unmistakeable small gold envelope, with Flibbage's scrawly handwriting on the front.
"Just in case you've changed your mind."

He opened it, and a small flurry of faerie dust sparkled out into the air, just enough for one spell. He read the accompanying note;
Dear Y,
I despair, really I do, stupid man. Read this spell aloud.
'The world is ending,
(Which isn't good)
I'd like to be there if I could.
Alas for me, I'm not an elf,
But a stupid, lazy daft werewolf.
(Hey! thought Yakky to himself, that's a bit harsh)
Still, I'd rather not hang about,
So I'll use this dust to get to Sprout.
(And Flibbage and J, but not if they're all over the place as it could get messy)

*Klapoing!*
And suddenly he found himself amongst his friends as they battled the denizens of hell in… you've guessed it, Nepal!
"Yakky, where they hell have you BEEN!?" raged Flibbage.
"Yeah, we could really use some help about now!" said J
"Feh." Said Inu-Yasha.
"WHY NEPAL!??" screamed Beansprout, impaling demons left, right and centre.
"Sorry." Yakky mumbled.
"Yeah, well we thought it'd take you, what, three minutes to change your mind? And now we have what, fifteen minutes to save the universe!" Flibbage roared, brandishing a manky clock on a piece of string, it was counting backwards. Stroppily she aimed her wand at Inu-Yasha and zapped him back to feudal Japan with a disgruntled 'Feeeeeehhhhhhhhhh…"
"So… is there a plan?"
"Well," said Sprout, testily dispatching the last denizen and dragging a terrified faerie out of a nearby bush, "We found this rather useless elf called Flamilla, who it turns out, is Buffy's alter-ego, and if we can bring them together they'll neutralize and turn into one well-balanced personality known as Campfy."
"Well it's simple and ingenious, if somewhat illogical," Yakky mused.
"And we're using Flibbage's magic to track the center of the apocalypse, which turned out to be Nepal- GODAMMIT!"
"When did the trail ever not lead to Nepal..?"
"When it led to Devon?" asked J. [or Outer Mongolia when we got it wrong]
"That was merely a matter of rhyming couplets."
"Oh."
And they would have continued wasting time in this pointless manner until all hell broke loose, but just then The Great Beast with seven heads and seven crowns whose name was Wormwood and had a great liking for the number six and who was the favourite pet of the Whore of Babylon sauntered round the corner, drooling and looking hungry.
"Aii!" said Flibbage and Flamilla, "It's the Beast!"
"Well then lets KILL IT!" said Beansprout, drawing her sword.
"You can't!" squeaked Flamilla, "You can only imprison it or distract it… n' stuff."
"I'll do it!" said J heroically, "you guys keep going!"
"No J, you'll be killed!" said Yakky, and then mentally slapped himself for saying something only a girl should say.
"It's the way it has to be," said J over the pounding of approaching footsteps, "You guys know that the only people to escape apocalyptic movies are the Hero(ine), the love interest, the dorky sidekick and the occasional annoying child or animal. The black guy always dies in an act of tragic self-sacrifice!"
"Ooh. Good point!" said Flamilla approvingly.
"Number one, I AM NOT DORKY!" yelled Flibbage, "Number two, how did you know that?" she added suspiciously.
"Bwuh?" said Yakky and Beansprout.
"Never mind, just keep running!" yelled J, and launched himself at the Beast, guns blazing.
Obligingly, they ran.
* * *
Four minutes fifteen seconds later, they found Buffy, surrounded by her four Horse people of Extra. [Extra? Whaaat?][ They're extras and I couldn't think of a better name][. -Confused…]
"Aha!" said Flibbage turning them into novelty War Hammer figurines. [Heehee, I'm a genius…]
"Double Aha!" said Beansprout, flinging the unsuspecting Flamilla at Buffy.
"You're still too late! Hahahahaha-!" Cackled Buffy as she began to dissolve.
"Curse you Salazar!" yelled Flamilla, also dissolving.
*Spingle Spingle*
"Oh what the HELL is this?!" muttered Campfy brushing mud off her stylish yet decidedly well-balanced shoes.
Armageddon just kept happening.
"Gah! Buffy was right!" yelled Flibbage over rising wind, "Beansprout, Yakky, go to the Hell mouth-type-thing, see if you can stop this! Me and Campfy will go back and face certain death in a foolish attempt to rescue J!" [Campfy and I! Dear God I'm a grammar freak, NOOOO!!!][ Flibbage cares as much about grammar as her mother does]
"Right!" said Beansprout slapping her Faery friend a high-five, "Just don't die!"
"You too, and no being a tragic eastern film heroine either!" [I liked the manga heroine! What happened to the manga heroine?][ It's not just manga though. My media laws have to make sense].
"Whatever," said Beansprout as she grabbed Yakky by the arm and began hurtling towards the apex of the fire, brimstone and wind.
* * *
Nine minutes, twenty-five seconds on, bits of the ground were beginning to split apart under their feet as they reached what had to be the Hell mouth. Tremors rumbled, nearly knocking them down.
"Argh! We really are too late!" screamed Sprout desperately, wind whipping her hair around her face.
Yakky remembered something Red had said, seemingly a lifetime ago in Pizza Hut, something about happy endings. Frankly, he didn't care if he ever had another adventure, as long as the world would still be there… and Sprout.
"Sprout!" He yelled trying to make himself heard over the noise.
"What?"
"I love you!"
Beansprout looked at him, gobsmacked, then she too had a realisation. She held up her hand and crossed her fingers. "Better hope Flibbage is wrong then." She said.
"What?"
"If I'm a tragic eastern film heroine, we're just as doomed. Cos' you'll be sure to die, hell I might too, Flibbage and J are as good as dead already." She looked around morosely at the violently self-destructing planet. "It's not even as if I had a soul to love…" she murmured.
AND HERE WE ARE AVID READER ON WHAT IS POSSIBLY THE BIGGEST CLIFFHANGER IN INUBUYAKASHA HISTORY!
WILL THEY AVERT THE APOCALYPSE?
WILL FLIBBAGE, J AND CAMPFY SURVIVE?
DOES BEANSPROUT LOVE YAKKY?
MORE IMPORTANTLY, WILL SHE EVER TELL HIM?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME, IN THE SEASON FINALE OF INUBUYAKASHA!