Episode #63 "When narrative functions go bad (or well, depending on your point of view)"
By Ally

Meanwhile Beanderella noticed that everyone was too busy staring at the strange new people to notice that she'd fainted, so she sat up, shrieked, and fainted again, more pointedly.
"Beanderella! My love!" Sir William exclaimed, rushing over to her.
"Well it took you long enough!" she grumbled then wondered why she was being so rude to her one true love. "Alas… I feel rather dizzy." She added blandly.
"Fear not Princess! I shall slay these… uh… things…" Sir William said.
"Like, don't!" said Felicity in alarm, standing up. "We totally didn't mean to crash your wedding! We'll just… gah! Like, I totally know you as well!" she said, pointing at Beanderella.
Jack. E stood up too, staring at the knight and the princess with narrowed eyes. He had no idea why, but the sight of the girl lying helplessly in the knight's arms was making him gradually, quietly, furious.
The Vicar attempted to regain some semblance of control. "Off! Shoo!" he said peevishly, waving his hands at Felicity and Jack. E.
"Oh! Like totally!!!" answered Felicity apologetically and grabbed Jack. E's arm. "Let's go."
"Will't thou not slay them!??" Beanderella complained, tugging on Sir William's sleeve.
"Ah, lady, I have reconsidered. It would not bode well to spill blood on our wedding day, and harmless sprites they must be, to so readily appear in a church."
"Oh Sir Knight! Thou art so very chivalrous!"
Jack. E began to growl softly under his breath as Felicity dragged him down towards the pews and the couple took up places as near to the altar as they could get (the Portaloo being in the way, of course).
"Do you, Sir William of the Hood, take this clichéd Princess Beanderella to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I do."
"Do you Beanderella of Sproutania, take this Macho Stereotype to be your-"
"LIKE HELL SHE DOES!" Jack. E roared, and leapt forward, transforming into his werewolf form as he leapt [See, in some worlds Werewolves are controlled by the moon, and in others, such as this one, which we will name presently and the IBYKS universe, they can change whenever they like]
"EEEEE!!!" screamed the Princess as the wolf snatched her up and bounded out of the church.
"My wife!!!" Sir William yelled after them in a rage.
"Oh… what a totally male thing to do," said Felicity despairingly.
"I SHALL RESCUE HER, WOLF!!! YOUR ASS IS MINE!!!" Sir William bawled, then looked shocked at himself.
"Well bugger that then," grumbled the Vicar, and reached for his gin.

* * * *

All the faeries left alive after the massacre (depressingly few really) were now present and accounted for, and Flori was working on expanding the labyrinth of caves.
"This sucks," Cabbage muttered. "Where are our damn-fool daughters and those idiot men? This is entirely their fault, bloody do-gooders…"
"Hmm," said Red, tapping away on her Apple laptop (Faery computer. Made of enchanted fruit), "I've found some kind of surreality spell, but it's only powerful enough to make us into highly improbable soap. [OPERA! Just to make it completely clear.][ Which it really isn't you know.]
"We won't be using that one then. No evil twins, hermaphrodite babies or melodramatic monologues in MY kingdom!"
"That's not nice."
"I'M NOT IN A NICE MOOD!"
"Ooh!" Red exclaimed, "The computer has found evidence that some kind of intertextual device was used just after the bomb went off."
"I really wish you wouldn't combine magic with technology, it can't bode well. But anyway, what?"
"It must have something to do with the kids, everyone else is here… or dead." Red finished glumly.
"Good," huffed Cabbage, "they can stay there until I find a way to make my realm UNMEDDLEABLE!!!"
* * *
"Eeeee! Eeeee! Where have you brought me?" Beanderella began shrieking as soon as she woke up.
"It's a dread tower, fool." Jack. E muttered, feeling quite stupid. He wondered why he'd even brought her there in the first place, but he suspected it had something to do with a niggling little instinct that told him he was technically a monster and kidnapping princesses was his job.
Beanderella fainted again. Jack E. rolled his eyes. Although he'd found some clothes in the tower, allowing him to take on human form without embarrassment, they were inherently black and evil looking.
"I'm not going to eat you, you know." Jack. E said to the Princess, who was obviously conscious, because she kept tweaking her skirt to make sure her ankles weren't visible.
"Yes you are," said the Princess with her eyes screwed up, "Unless my love comes to rescue me of course."
Jack. E scowled, still not really knowing why. "I'm really not."
"Why not?" Beanderella asked, opening one eye to look at him curiously.
"… I don't know," Jack. E admitted, "I keep thinking I should, and God knows you're annoying enough, but something keeps telling me I shouldn't."
"Beanderella settled for being blankly terrified.
"Anyway, I'm sure you have distress to be damselling about in…" Jack. E said awkwardly and left the room, locking the door behind him.

* * * *

Sir William vaulted onto his trusty steed [sorry] and took his sword from one of the townspeople (who was holding it up in adoring hero-worship).
"I shall ride forth and slay the werewolf!" he proclaimed.
"Like, really, don't!" exclaimed Felicity, "He isn't bad! I don't know what's wrong with him!"
"Silence, thou witch!"
"Um…" Felicity thought hard. Through the vacuous fluff that was shrouding her brain; the faint echoes of a plan began to filter through.
"I'll go with you then! I'm… I'm, like, a powerful mage, I stopped the werewolf before!" Maybe I can stop you killing anyone, she thought to herself.
Sir William was about to disagree, but something stopped him. After all, it was sometimes handy to have a magic user around, if that was what she was. And so they rode off into the sunset (or rather Sir William rode off, and Felicity ran after, yelling "Waaaaaaait!!!").

* * *

"Alas!" Beanderella said in her draughty tower room, and then shrieked in alarm as a small woman climbed in the window.
"Just look at yourself!" snapped the random woman.
"Who are you?" the Princess asked.
"I am the narrative function 'Feminism' and I am so disappointed in you! All your literary life, no complaints, and now POOF! Weak-willed one dimensional stereotype! Why?"
"Pardon?"
Feminism sighed. "Okay, I'll make it easy for you to escape. If you can guess your real name, I'll send you home."
Beanderella only understood the words 'escape' and 'name'. "Beanderella of course!"
"Wrong!"
"But that's my name!"
"No it isn't you ditzy bimbo."
"WELL FOLK YOU!" raged the Princess and pushed her out the window.
"…that's …more …like …it…" yelled Feminism as she plummeted towards the ground before disappearing into thin air.
Beanderella paused for a second. Naturally she was shocked at herself, but there was something about the whole experience that was strangely fun.
"Hmmm," she said as she returned to thoughtfully examining her nails.

WELL WELL WELL, THIS IS A CONUNDRUM.
NOT ONLY DO THEY WANT TO MARRY THE WRONG PEOPLE, NOW THEY WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER TOO.
FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT TIME IN INUBUYAKASHA!