Episode #65 "It's a good li(f)e"
By Ally
[For those of you not in the know, Strangers in Paradise is the worlds greatest Graphic Novel. The scary all-female mafia run the world from behind the scenes, practically all men are scum, and nearly all the women are lesbians. Despite sounding very scary, it's actually a fantastic book, and it is written by a man so it's not feminist man-bashing either.]

Meanwhile, Red the Infernally Dappy (who was bored of being ineffectual), decided to tryout her pre-exam faery magic, and to do something to help the intrepid but sadly missing quartet at the same time.
"Flori, can I borrow your wand?" [Red would only get a wand of her own when she had passed her CFC's because her last one had been confiscated after the unfortunate conclusion to an argument with Fliain.]
"But Cabbage told me not to take any orders from you…"
"Ah, but I didn't order you, I asked politely." Said Red using her secret author power of twisting words to control Flori's over-stressed mind.
"Oh go on then. You're not going to conjure alcohol with it are you?"
"No, I most certainly am not," Red said mysteriously, and wandered off into the catacombs [I'm not quite sure how the 'dank cave' got so big, must be faerie magic] to find a cavern with a flat enough floor to perform a summoning ritual.
* * *

Beanderella was miserable. The pudgy varlet [heehee] had called some rude men in a very strange chariot, and, without really knowing why, or how, she had ploughed through them like a costumed windmill, sending them all flying, and run away to a posher part of town. Now she was wandering the streets with people staring at her like she was a freak, and she was starting to feel (inexplicably) very stupid and colloquial.
"Stupid dress, stupid place, stupid Will not coming to rescue me- hang on-" Beanderella stopped dead. "I don't want him to rescue me any more! I don't' want any more MEN folking up my LIFE!"
"Excellent," said someone. Beanderella looked up and saw an overweight, well dressed woman leaning over a balcony. "Exactly the type of talk I like to hear. Tell me, my dear, how would you like a job?"
"Do I get free pizza?"
"No, you get a free tattoo on your ankle-"
"Nah, not my style…"
"-And the chance to wreak terrible revenge on anyone who remotely annoys you."
"Oh," Beanderella brightened [although, ironically, not mentally, as some of the princess stupidity was still lingering around her head]"That sounds good."
The woman pointed to a posh door at the street level and Beanderella wandered into the hotel.
* * *
"Princess? I know you said you weren't hungry, but I was making boiled eggs so…" Jack. E said carrying a tray into the tower room. "Oh. Never mind," he added when he saw the room was empty.
"No!" said the personification of the unspoken rules. "You're meant to storm and rage! Not make her dinner then quietly accept it! If you're going to be so damn pathetic-"
* * *

A week later…
A knight and his vaguely slutty mage sidekick sighted a dread tower in the distance.
"Ha!" said Sir Will, "Now I shall rescue my love!"
"Like, verily!" said Felicity, who had almost succumbed to the generics of the locality, and had even found a cloak to wear over her cheerleader outfit.
So they stormed the tower, so find a huge wolf-like thing in the courtyard which Felicity paralysed with her arcane words-
"You're drooling! You're hairy!
But really not that scary!"

-and Sir Will decapitated.
"Dude! Don't do that! It could have been Jack. E!" Felicity reprimanded him as Sir Will continued storming towards the tower.
They ran up the stairs to the highest room. "My Love!" Cried Sir Will, kicking down the door, and stopping dead.
"Don't say a word," Jack. E growled, from the confines of his chains and voluminous ballgown.

Cabbage studied her map and the immediate surroundings. "Skyscrapers, vampires, higher beings, urban sprawl… dammit! I've strayed into a spinoff! I knew I should have taken that third left…"

* * *

"Wow," Beanderella said uncomfortably, "I didn't know you could do that with cling film."
"Oh, you can garrotte people with pretty much anything if you put your mind to it," said the macho blonde woman cheerfully.
"Ah…" Beanderella answered. "I still don't understand these tattoos."
"Well the one on the left… the flower, that's our trade mark…"
"And the one on the right?"
"Job description."
"I'm a duck?"
"…yeah. Now let me see how you're getting on with your 'scary nose-pulling death throw of doom'," Tambi said, herding another cowering man out of the equipment cupboard.

* * *
"So anyway," Red said " if you can find them I'll give you-"
"Shikon Shards?" asked Inu-Yasha hopefully.
"No… dog biscuits."
"DOG BISCUITS!!! How dare you insult me, wench!"
"They're tastier than Shikon Shards, and they'll give you a glossy coat."
"I DON'T WANT A GLOSSY COAT!!!"
Red folded her arms. "Fine. You leave me no choice. Here are some items of clothing belonging to each of the four protagonists. You will track them down- and I know you can, Cabbage told me you can smell Kagome's blood six centuries away- or I'll introduce you to the other being I summoned.
"Feh, bring on you demons, witch, I'm more than a match for them!"
"Ah, but he's not a demon," said Red maliciously, "he's a vet."
"Yelp!"
"Off you go."
"I'm going."
"Good," Red said and handed him a small device she had summoned from the satanic mills, The-Mobile-Phone-Of-Intertextuality-For-The-Simple-Minded. As a concession to her dappiness, on her way out, she tripped over a candle of summoning and set fire to the hem of her skirt.
WILL OUR READERS UNDERSTAND THIS EPISODE AT ALL?
WILL WE HAVE ANY LEFT BY NEXT WEEK?
WHERE ARE OUR PROTAGONISTS?
EPISODE #66 (OOH ALMOST SATANIC), COMING SOON