~Escaflowne as Mindy would see it…
Van: I want you Hitomi!... Not in a sexual way, you understand…

~Escaflowne as Darry would see it…
Van: I can't believe you kissed Allen Hitomi. He's such a munter!

…anyway, enough of that. Dear dear me, the thoughts in my twisted head. Luckily, you've been spared an Escaflowne inspired episode- instead we have one where only you will recognize the thievery and our many fans will think I'm original. ][Don't let her fool you IBYKS fans… it's David's Story from Strangers in Paradise… which every self respecting comic book fan should read][when you've got to a good bit of the story where things are tense, the drama is building, and everyone would kill to know what happens next, what does every self-respecting author of a long-running yet obscure series do?
Damn straight! They write an episode exploring the heart-rending past of a beloved, central but not completely essential character!][David is essential… he's the eye candy, he's essential for my reading fun][Introducing…]

Episode #77 "J's Story" or "Not another Teen Sci-Fi Horror Filler episode" or "Enemy of the Men in Wild Wild Black on Independence Day"

[ Editors note; Ally's brain-stupefying, English Coursework inspired inconsistencies are henceforth being left in for plot reasons, they will be marked as such. Feel free to mock her]

Inconsistency #1]In the rapidly emptying pocket world, which was beginning to look distinctly fuzzy around the edges now its primary function (prison for latent psychotics) had ended, Yakky and J hung around doing bugger all (after all this is a post-feminist heroine driven series). That was how it looked, but as they had developed from 1 dimensional token male characters somewhere along their journey (only a little though), they were in fact thinking. With their brains no less![
Yakky was wallowing in angst-stricken misery:
"Why does Beansprout have to be unstable? Is it my fault? It's my fault, isn't it? Interspecies relationships mess people up, just look at my mum… Oh God! Is Beansprout like my Mum!? That's so wrong, so very wrong…[I want cake and all I have is grapes… dammit. Okay, now I have a mars bar, but it just isn't cake…why does lactose mock me?]
-Whilst J was deep in an introspective journey into his past. Well, it takes all sorts.
"Beansprout must have spent her whole life feeling like she didn't belong," J thought, blissfully aware of his own cheesiness. "if only she'd said something, I know exactly how she feels…"
* * *
James Robert Dean-West was a troubled young man. This was nothing to do with his childhood, which was very stable and loving (he was brought up by nuns in a remote convent, and his young life was much like the Sound of Music without Nazis) and everything to do with the alien that was sitting on the bonnet of his car. Screaming in terror, James reversed along the road very fast, trying to shake it off. Sadly, it was very much like an octopus and had stuck itself to the metal. It was also laughing manically, which did nothing for James's peace of mind. Being somewhat preoccupied by this, James didn't notice the scream and bump until the alien stopped laughing, jumped off the car and began feeding on the corps of the innocent bystander James had just run down.
"OH CRAP!" James shouted, braked, then drove away very fast. As he sped through the streets of Philadelphia, James knocked over an ice-cream seller ("CRAP!") and a lollipop lady ("CRAP!!!"), but, against all logic wasn't chased by a police car until he was heading out of town. Deciding they'd catch him sooner or later, he pulled over and wound down the window [okay cake > mars bar… damn chocolate].
"Do you realize how fast you were driving, kid?" the police officer asked.
"I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO- what?"
"You were speeding son, it's amazing you didn't hit anyone."
"Yeah amazing…"
Before this very poor example of a police officer could suss that James looked very guilty about something, a jet black car pulled up, and a man in a black suit stepped out.
"I'll take care of this," he said, showing a warrant to the policeman, who shrugged and waddled back to his car.
"You're the homicide expert, aren't you?" James whined
"No," said the man, who looked vaguely familiar. "I'm investigating the case of an alien sighting. And several hit and run incidents."
"Eep."
"James Robert Dean-West, right?"
"Err… Yeah. Hey, aren't you Tommy Lee Jones?"
"No! My name is Agent K, and I have no connection with the film industry." Agent K took something that looked like a pen out of his pocket. "Now I want you to look very carefully into this little red dot here…"
"What does it do?" James asked
"Nothing." Said K, and punched him out.
* * *
James woke up in a small minimalist room, in front of a desk. K and another man were staring at him eerily.
"Ahh, you're awake," said K.
"Yeah." Said J, rubbing his nose.
"This is agent P, my associate."
"Please to meet you, James."
"Well what is it you so kindly punched me out to tell me?" James snapped.
"We're recruiting."
"For what?"
"Allow me to explain," said K, leaning back in his chair. "we are a Secret Government Organization, whose existence is unknown. We have no contact with society, no identity and no purpose."
"We have a purpose!" interrupted P.
"Oh yes. Our purpose is to defend Earth from alien forces whilst simultaneously finding other planets and stripping them of any valuable resources. We are the MAWMIB.
"The what?"
"The Middle Aged White Men In Black."
"Um… are you sure you've got the right person?" James pointed out.
"Well that's where you're wrong, we're under new management, and there's this damn equal opportunities clause in the contract… we might even have to change our name. Anyway, we're looking for new agents, and your clarity of mind and ruthlessness Impressed our talent scout."
"Who?"
"The alien."
"So that was just a test? No one's really dead?" James exclaimed.
"Oh no, they're deader than dead. The Octopussy said you seemed to instinctively know to distract it with injured prey. It also commented that the second two were a really inspired touch, really slowed it down."
"I'm a murderer!" wailed James.
"Yes, yes, but don't get cocky," Psaid. "You still have a lot to learn."
* * *
Within six months, James Robert Dean-West had become J, ruthless agent and poster boy [On their secret confidential posters] of the newly renamed NGSPIB. He was also mentally unstable and had a penchant for killing witnesses (he'd never liked the deneuraliser after the incident with K), until one day…
"J, we have a mission for you," said K, striding into his office one morning.
"Excuse me?"
"Sorry, I mean, would you please help me with this mission?"
"Yeah okay," said J, playing the knife game [the one where you try not to stab your own fingers and usually fail…][surely it has a name…?]
"Thank you," gushed K, and dumped a huge stack of files on the desk. "For this task, you'll need to learn some of the deepest darkest secrets of the NGSPIB, and some info on many other clandestine operations across the galaxy, The Slayskull Corporation, the Moonies, the Big Pricks…"
"Gimme," said J, grabbing for the files.
"But HQ says before you can read these, you have to go on a course of intensive therapy," K added and ducked.
J contemplated shooting him, but knowing the NGSPIB, the files would self-destruct before he could read them.
"Fine."
Great! Thought K. At last I can have the callow subordinate whipping boy I deserve.
* * *
"That's it! J exclaimed.
"What?"
"Yeah what?" said Flibbage, dragging herself out of the runic circle.
"We can give Beansprout intensive therapy!"
"J," said Flibbage, curling her lip, "Shut up. I have a plan."
[There you go. I wrote it and now I don't like it much, but what the hell. Can I put in a request for us not to start series eight until I've handed in my history coursework? *Puppy dog eyes*]
[Yes we can do that, now why don't you put your 'puppy dog eyes' to good use, ie:
READING!!!
Is the Pocket world disintegrating? NO! I quote
"The faeries had cut their losses on Dank Cave and had all moved HQ to Pocket World, which seemed now to be expanding on its own with a distinctly Flibbagey style. Something like the Immateria from Promethea but with lots of art Nouveau, and green stuff. Eventually it would grow into a whole new Realm. The circle of runes was still scrawled on the floor somewhere in the middle, where a new palace was slowly growing out of the ground."
I only wrote it two episodes ago!!! Come on!!!
(Following this was a large picture of Alice busily reading her Blake book and Emily sneaking up behind her with a crazed expression and a large mallet.)]