"So the girl we're looking for - she looks like Beansprout, right?" asked J.
"Well, I suppose she must," Flib answered. "I mean, Flathryn, Flarry and Fleckini do…actually, I'm surprised no-one thought of it before…"
"Maybe she has all the elvish attributes that Sprout doesn't, like ears and wings?"
"Hey! I have ears! [Return of the long-running joke] And you know, it would be nice if you didn't speak about me like I wasn't here…"
"Maybe it's because they're used to your not being here," said Dee. [The girl has a point…and it's so appropriate that I'm listening to 'Respect' as I type this]
Beansprout gritted her teeth in silence as Dee continued "If Beansprout grew up on earth, maybe her counterpart is in Faerie. Maybe she doesn't know she's part human, like Sprout didn't know about her elvish side."
Flibbage felt it was her job to join forces with Sprout against Dee in a feat of elvish female solidarity. She looked down her nose at the werewolf girl.
"Don't be ridiculous. As Queen of Faerie, and creator of the New Realm, I know the face and name of every one of my subjects that survived the 'Dark Tower massacre'."
"Then maybe she's dead." [Ah, Dee…the voice of reason that no-one wants to hear]
Everyone stared at Dee.
"Moving swiftly on," said J "she's got to be on Earth or Faerie - she can't be in another textuality if she's a part of this 'The Story' thing."
"J?" said Flib.
"Hmm?"
"You don't understand generics, remember?"
"Oh yeah! I have no idea what I just said!"
[This would be a good point for Flibbage to look at the camera in a 'Do you have any idea what that's like, David?' moment…lol]
"Logically speaking," said Dee "There are two places we could start our search. One; one of alternate Beansprout's parents is an elf. We could find out if any of the New Realm elves have had a fling with a human. Two; let's say this girl is someone who thinks she's an elf…we could check out any lunatic asylum…" [Well, Broadmoor would make a change from Nepal]
There was another silence, filled with the absence of a sarcastic comment from Beansprout.
Flibbage broke it. "Well…let's go with Miss Logical's first choice. I don't know anything like that about my subjects, but I know who will."
She raised her wand and used her powers as queen to summon the person she needed.
*BANG!*
"What the-? Oh no, not the mortal realm! *Achoo! Achoo!* What the hell do you want now? *Achoo!* Meow!"
"Hi mum!"
"What is it? *koff* You know I'm allergic to this bloody place!" said the small cat.
"Well, the thing is," said Flib "we're looking for another half-elf and we were wondering if any elves you know had ever been…er…involved with a human?"
[Bwahaha…Rock DJ's just come on! You know what that means…][I don't wanna rock *RAWK!!!* dj *DEEJAY!!!*]
Cabbage growled and lashed her hind left foot in an unconscious reflex. [Cats do that?][No, she wants to throw a shoe, but she cant]
"Darling, do you remember Mummy's ex-boyfriend Flom?"
"Yeeeess…the one you always throw a shoe at? Haha, I turned him into a Warhammer figure."
"Meow - heh heh heh…" snickered the cat, then scowled some more. "Do you know why Mummy threw her shoes at him?" "Because it was funny?"
"Uh, no…I thought you were just being petty."
Cabbage drew in a long breath, then threw an extremely violent cat tantrum.
"IT'S BECAUSE HE LEFT ME FOR A BLOODY HUMAN!!!"

* * *

1:30am, Faerie

"Fjen, Fjen! Wake up!"
"Whu?" Fjen opened one eyelid to see her sister staring manically out of the darkness [not like the rock band - like the night][thanks for clearing that up…]
"I know what we should do!" said Flelen with a fanatical grin.
"What? What should we do? I'm dying to know what we should do that's so great you woke me up for it!"Fjen replied flatly.
"We have to hunt down the inconsistency that killed Heathcliffe and capture it!"
Fljen rolled over in her bed. "Flelen. It ate Heathcliffe. It will eat us."
"But we're the super-strong, cunning and devious tag team of ninja kung-shoe imps! If we don't do it, who will?"
"An army of elven soldiers."
Flelen looked exasperated. "We have hordes of ninja hamsters who obey our every whim! That beats crappy old elves any day!"
"It will eat you and your hamsters. Go to bed, Flelen."
Flelen paused thoughtfully. "Fine, then, I'll go on my own." She walked out of the room.
Fljen sat in her bed for ten seconds. Then, with an exasperated sigh, she got out of bed and went out the door, where, of course, Flelen was waiting with a smug grin.

* * *

After several hours of spitting, hissing, clawing and ranting from Cabbage, they'd managed to find the last known address of Flom's earthly family - in the middle of a graveyard for hippies in Buckinghamshire. Flibbage had magically transported them to the area and they were now staked out on a hill nearby, watching the house. They'd decided not to get too close, as it seemed close proximity was all that was needed to merge human and faery halves last time. J and Dee were watching the house through binoculars, which gave the other three a chance to talk without her listening in. [Or so they thought…bwahaha]
"I still don't trust her," scowled Flibbage. "Bloody werewolves and their bloody emotionless logic - present company excepted, of course…"
"Don't worry," said Yakky. "She's not exactly my best mate either, it's hard to like someone who's got some insane coffee-gun pointed at your g - um - I mean, Beansprout's head."
"I don't care any more," said Beansprout. "She might as well shoot me, 'cos I'm not gonna be around once we find this other me."
"Huh?"
"Well, who knows what'll happen? Maybe I'll turn into a whole different person like Campfy, or maybe I'll be evil and human. Or good and elvish."
"Sprout, you aren't evil!" said Flibbage. "You're seriously disturbed - and bloody nihilistic! What happened to our 'let's kick some ass!' Beansprout?"
"I did. I kicked your ass, and Yakky's."
"Do you know what you need? A bloody good slap! - and I'd give it to you myself if I wasn't secretly afraid you'd flip out on me."
"That's not funny!"
"Well, neither are you at the moment," Flib stood up. "Now, I am going to talk to J and see if we've made any progress, and you can stay here and talk to your boyfriend, because no matter what you both think, you obviously still like each other and it's absolutely pathetic to watch you moping around." And she strode off.
"Sprout…" Yakky began.
"What if I'm destined to be evil, huh? Would you still want me as your girlfriend then?" Sprout hugged her knees defensively. "Would you?"
Yakky sighed and looked at the ground.
"Yes."

* * *

Dee, who had been listening all along (because of course she has werewolf ears and could hear every word), snorted under her breath. "Idiot," ("Idiots.") she murmured scornfully as Flibbage plonked herself down on the bank next to J and handed him a chocolate bar. She didn't offer any to Dee.
"Ten pounds says they sit there in silence or virtual silence for at least ten minutes," said J, putting down the binoculars.
"Nah, my bet's on tearful reconciliations," Flib replied.
"I'd bet all four of you end up in institutions before long - forget Beansprout, you're all psychotic," said Dee sardonically.
"Jealous?" Flib answered sharply.
"Of what?" spat Dee.
"Oh, I don't know…maybe it's because Yakky isn't interested in you even though you're an 'Alpha' - maybe it's the fact that we're all good friends and you don't have any friends…"
"Flibbage, will you start acting like Faerie Royalty and stop being bitchy?" said J suddenly, cutting Flibbage off mid-sentence.
"Funny, I thought the two were synonymous…"
"And you! Come on, since when did the story support racism?"
Flibbage folded her arms grumpily. "One of these days, J, I'm gonna figure out why you only understand generics when it suits you."
"Hey!" interrupted Dee. "Someone's coming out of the house!"
Immediately, Beansprout and Yakky rushed over to the bank.
"Yoink!" said Flib as she stole the binoculars from J and held them up to her own eyes. There was a pause, then:
"Uh-oh."
"Whaddaya mean, 'Uh-oh'?" said Beansprout, stealing the binoculars from Flibbage in turn. There was another pause, and then:
"Oh folking hell, dammit!"
"What?" chorused the others.
"Our half-elf problem just doubled," said Beansprout. "That isn't my other half."
"How can you tell at this distance?" scoffed Dee. "I mean, they don't have to look exactly like you-"
"I know," said Beansprout "because the half elf down there is a folking boy!"

[And there I will finish - without introducing you to the son of Flom. You can name him if you like. But not another 'Fl' name, we have too many! All I ask is that he say "Dude!" all the bloody time and act nonchalant a lot and shrug.]