Garbage World
An Eco-Friendly Musical in eight parts from the joint pens of;
Camilla Jameson
Emily Brady
Alice Nuttall
Melinda Mabbutt
(In order of respectability of course, and if anyone says otherwise Camilla will scream BACK BACK until you change your mind)
Written in the 1998/9 period.
(Dude! Garbage World! It has- like all the high budget special effects of Ghost World and all the writing talent of Waterworld…)(Actually this is slightly edited to make it a little less dire, the dialogue and punctuation has been righted)
*We’ll see about that…*
SCENE1
Fade in; peaceful idyllic countryside, Camilla walks past carrying a chicken (Oh no! My chicken!). *Heh heh heh…actually, so much of what we do has weird roots in everything that has ever happened to us…*
Suddenly, with an ominous crack of thunder, the EVIL QUEEN OF GARBAGE (Emily, with a banana skin on her head) appears. *See? You’re always the Queen of something…ya latent royal…*
EQ; Look at this! All this putrid cleanliness makes me retch! This will be the perfect site for my apocalyptic garbage bomb! A haha! (Waves hands in air, more thunder)
(Black out) *pan out pan out pan out CUT TO GRAPHIC!* Uh no. a blackout is not the same. This is not the time for cutting to graphics, although, possibly dramatic voiceover guy could be dubbed in somewhere…
Fade in; the peaceful land now resembles a landfill, tendrils of mist are in the air.
EQ; This is more like it! No one can defeat me now! *Ah, if only Flib was here to tell her that this is one thing a villain should NEVER EVER say *
Enter A-STAR-GIRL (Alice wearing a cape), and strikes a melodramatic pose.
A*; Wanna bet?
EQ; Who the hell are you?
A*; I’m A*-Girl, protector of the environment. I don’t like garbage. I’m your worst nightmare and I have an IQ of 5000- that’s on a bad day. *Oh my God I’d forgotten how hilarious this was!*
EQ; Prove it you insignificant microspeck! *Yay! The good old insults!*
A* I know the Mathematical equation for Celestial photosynthesis, 100.000450002/60 = 2D + 9s = 76T * 19% green-
EQ; Argh! Not celestial trigonometry! I must Flee!
But don’t you worry my little prodigy, I’ll be back soon.
(Disappears in a cloud of mysterious gas)
A*; (to self) Oh no! She’ll be back with a powerful spell to defeat me. I must seek magical assistance, higher maths can’t defeat her dark ways for long. Up, Up, and Away!
(Sheepishly walks out of shot after realizing she can’t, in fact, fly) *Oh, can’t she?* she can’t! Does she have superpowers? No! She’s just a clever-clogs.
SCENE 2
Through the methane saturated mists of the junk scattered horizon, the squeaking of ancient wheels can be heard. Slowly, a rickety caravan driven by unusually large Cockroaches approaches directed by ESMERELDA THE GYPSY SORCERESS (Melinda, with a flouncy dress on). A* girl walks by, looking thoughtful and staring into the middle distance.
Es; Hi A*-Girl! How are ya? *Six whole words and she didn’t say Fred?!*
A*; The Evil Queen is coming to get me, I need a plan. Can you help?
Es; I can’t help until I find my black cat; I lost him in the garbage somewhere. Have you seen him?
A*; No but I’m sure if you multiply 2s/6BLACK – 200.676545342 by the time you last saw him you’ll know just where to look.
Es; Thanks A*-Girl, but now I’ve got to meet Happy the small Woodlouse for his relaxation classes. (Trundles away)
A*; Hey! What about my help you old fraud!
SCENE 3
STUNT MAN LEO, (Leonardo Di Caprio or Barbie’s boyfriend Ken) jumps across a swampy river attached to a rope and lands in a tree house. He is wearing a bad red wig and a dress so he’s obviously doing the Evil Queen’s stunts for her. Evil Music from ‘War of the Worlds’ plays.
EQ; I have to concoct a truly fiendish spell to banish or kill that runty *Runty?! If scarily tall means runty…* do-gooder. No wait, I have it! I’ll turn her into C- -Girl and then she’ll trouble me no more!
launches into her Big musical Number; ‘I’m going to kill you’
(NB; The lyrics aren’t included in the original script, but this is the song as I remember it. Lyrics by Alice, Camilla and Mind, to the tune of their year eight music competition (Our classes’ entry was about blowing up the school and I’ll write down the lyrics for that too, if I remember them. All that springs to mind at the moment is ‘Hey mate, can you give us a hand// we’re really in a fix.// We don’t know much about dynamite,// except it comes in sticks.’ Great writing huh? Maybe Tim, Kat Peter or Tom would help with the rest. Ooh!I know my, Beth and Kat’s idea for a chorus;
You teachers, You teachers//You never had a clue.//You teachers, you teachers //You won’t know what hit you!//We’re 8B, we’re 8B//We’re evil, wicked,bad,//We’re 8B, we’re 8B//We’ll drive the teachers mad!//
Suffice to say the other classes sung about Christmas and bunnies and we lost. The next year we made up semi-insulting lyrics about our teachers and lost again. But back to the song;)
I’m going to kill you.
EQ; I’m going to kill you *Em Em Em…there are THREE ‘I’m going to kill yous’* I’m going to kill you, I’m going to kill you… satisfied?
I’m going to kill you today
I’m going to kill you
In a *most!* horrible way.
Every day I wandered the town
Feeling sad and blue
Then one day you got in my way
And now I’m after you.
I’m going to kill you
I’m going to kill you today
I’m going to kill you
In a horrible way.
Every night I wandered around
Looking for someone to maim,
(Something, something, la-la-la) *Every night I sharpen my carving knife – OK, so it doesn’t scan, but who cares? This WAS year 8. Or nine, possibly*
Now you know that you are my aim!
‘Cause I’m going to kill you
I’m going to kill you today
I’m going to kill you
In a horrible way.
(Repeat to fade)
SCENE 4
Interior, Esmerelda’s Caravan. Esmerelda is talking to a woodlouse
Es; Now Happy, think of a beach where the pebbles are sharp and the sea is full of sewage (*Cough* Ravensglass *Cough*). It’s not healthy for Woodlice to be this cheerful.
Esmerelda sings her musical Number ‘Be depressed’
(Okay this is another of my additions, but it’s just a fantastic song. Once again by Alice and Camilla. *Uh uh uh! Just me!* Okay, just Alice. Goes to the tune of ‘Be our guest’ from Beauty and the Beast)
Be Depressed
Es; Be Depressed,
Be Depressed,
Put your emotions to the test.
Tie a rope around your neck, my dear, you’ll surely guess the rest.
Tearful spells, self abuse,
Getting help? What’s the use?
Therapy is too involving when your sanities’ dissolving,
You can scream, you can shout,
Can’t be bothered to go out,
So just sit here in emotional unrest!
The doctors’ such a jerk!
None of the pills will work when-
You’re Depressed!
You’re Depressed!
You’re Depressed!
Happy; Wow thanks Esmerelda! I feel totally suicidal now!
Es; That’ll be £25-67. Cough up, bug!
H; Okay Mrs gypsy, see you next week!
Es; (To Herself) I love Garbage World, there are so many people who need my help. And this pungent air is so good for the lungs…
A*-Girl walks in with a flourish of her cape
A*; Are you gonna help me out now?
Es; Oh all right, step over to my cauldron.
A*; Are you sure it’s safe? It doesn’t look like it complies with trade regulations.
Es; Its safe! It’s as sturdy as a rotten banana!
A* That’s what I’m afraid of.
Enter KATE WINSLET ( Emily in a flouncy dress) looking distraught.
K; Jack? Jack! Don’t leave me!
THE PROCUCER (Camilla in a beret, carrying a megaphone) walks onto the set, looking angry.
P; *Cough* What’s going on here?
K; Oh, sorry. (Looks around) Wrong film.
Es; Would you like some lucky white heather young lady?
K; ARGH!!! (Runs away)
P; Fine, fine. That’s just FINE! Take two! (every one leaves except Esmerelda)
A*-Girl walks in with a flourish of her cape
A*; Are you gonna help me out now?
Es; Oh all right, step over to my cauldron.
A*; Are you sure it’s safe? It doesn’t look like it complies with trade regulations.
Es; Its safe! It’s as sturdy as a rotten banana!
A* That’s what I’m afraid of.
Es; Would you like to join me in some relaxation whilst we think of a plan?
A*; I’ll think about it…
Stunt Man Leo, still dressed as the Evil Queen, flies through the air, lands on top of the caravan with a thump and crashes through the ceiling.
Es; Mind my crystal ball you young vandal!
L; Actually *Cough* I’m the evil Queen… uh.
Es; Well your wig has fallen off.
L; Oh. Sorry.
The Producer walks in looking even madder
P; Cut, CUT! Take three! Makeup? Come and sort out Leo’s wig!
*We were actually quite witty, weren’t we? In a less sophisticated way than we are now…hee hee, yaks…* Yeah but we didn’t have ‘Ohno! My chicken!’ which is a classic.
Enter the Evil Queen of Garbage who knocks Leo out of the way, and throws some mysterious powder on A* Girl.
Eq; Leo, you are so incompetent! I can see I’ll have to do this myself. Mwa Ha Haaa!!!
A*; Oh no! I can feel my brain disappearing!
Es; What’s 2X2 A*-Girl?
A*; Banana?
Es; She’s turned into C- -Girl! Curse you Evil Queen!
EQ; A-Ha! (Runs away)
A*; ARGH! (Collapses in a heap)
P; (returning to set) Right, cut, excellent. Let’s go to scene five. Oh and Emily? Can you up the evil a bit next time?
EQ; Will do!
SCENE 5
Interior of Caravan
Es; Now where did I put that A* potion? Oh no! There’s none left and it can only be made from the rare Fireflowers of the East Midlands!
A*; Where’s that then?
Es; oh about five miles up the A34…
A* That’s all right then.
SCENE 6
An exciting chase up the A34 between a sporty convertible shaped like a rusty bathtub and Esmerelda’s caravan. Fast music. *What about plinky-plinky getaway music?* isn’t that only good for hillbillies?
Es; Oh no! the Evil Queen is coming to try and stop us!
EQ; Ha! Ha! Ha! You’ll never get your brain back if I can help it! *Saving people’s brains! Now there’s an original plot! Sorry…*
Es jumps out of the caravan and grabs some fairly ordinary looking flowers
EQ; Gah! There’s a crisp packet stuck in the piston (her bathtub grinds to a halt) This stupid getaway car isn’t getting me anywhere!!! (kicks rusty bathtub) *Not throwing a shoe?* Well Tom isn’t in this one, so what’s the point?
Es; Hooray, we’ve lost her!
A*; Great! –Who?
Es; The evil Queen Duh!
A*; Oh Yeah! Cool!
The caravan zooms (well trundles) on down the A34 leaving an enraged EQ
EQ; Curses! They’re slowly getting away!
SCENE 7
Caravan, Es is holding a potion.
Es; Drink this A*-girl
A* Excellent! I feel so much better, I think I might recite my 26X tables…
Es; Please don’t, I’ve run out of earplugs.
Celine Dion wanders onto the set
C; Near… far… Wherever you are…I b-
Pro (enraged) Who the hell are you? I’m sick of you idiots from studio five!
C; Who ruffled your feathers? I’m gonna get my lawyer onto you!
Pro Just you try it! You’ll never work in this town again!
Celine Dion storms out
Pro Okay *sigh* from the top…
Es; Drink this A*-girl
A* Excellent! I feel so much better, I think I might recite my 26X tables…
Es; Please don’t, I’ve run out of earplugs.
A* Lets deal with that Evil Queen of Garbage. This means WAR!
Cue song; ‘War’ (I don’t know this one… do you know the words? If not we can just leave it to the imaginations of our audience) ( me neither) ( I think it just involves yelling ‘WAR’ a lot)
Es; WAR!
A* WAR!
Es picks up a crisp packet and stands behind A* as they march off set
A* 1 x 3 is-
Es; 3!
A* 2 x 3 is-
Es; 6!
SCENE 8
Garbage town, Leo is sweeping
EQ; ARGH! The three times table! Help me, I feel weakened! Aah! (Grabs Leo) If you recite one more Line I swear I’ll kill him!
Ten second silence…
A*; Ohno! If she kills him we’ll never have stunts again!
Leo; You can’t do this to me! I’m a billionaire! I starred in Titanic!
EQ; No Leo, I know your secret. You were just the WAVE MACHINE GUY!
A*&Es; THE WAVE MAKER??? GASP!!! *It’s all eerily familiar…*
Leo; Who told you that???
EQ; No one told me… for I am… KATE WINSLET! (Removes banana skin and latex mask)
Leo; NOOOOOO!!!! (Beats her up)
A* Die evil queen! Die!
Es squirts EQ with washing up liquid
EQ I’m Melting! Nooooo!
A* And here is my a level maths text book to finish you off! (whacks EQ with book)
EQ Dies…
Pro Okay everybody, that’s a wrap! (Everyone including Emily gets up and walks off except Leo who is left to sweep up the rubbish as we fade to black…)
PRODUCERS RAP
(I don’t even know if this had any lyrics in the end…) *Hopefully it didn’t. Well, my verdict – this was terrifying and funny to read and I’m now having flashbacks to year 8 (or 9). Em, you are now the official dredger up of stuff from the past. It’s just a shame we never wrote Time Spiral…* (Didn’t the producer’s rap involve someone saying ‘That’s a wrap’ and Camilla saying ‘NO! This is a rap!’ Terrible pun, terrible) hope this amuses all you readers out in reader land. Bye bye ^-^
Update! The lyrics to WAR! and the beginning of Time spiral were unexpectedly found! Here they are in all their crapness
A*: WAR!
Es: WAR!
Leo: WAR!
A*: Leo get off the set.
Es: Yeah... tosspot.
Pro: Get lost Leo! Okay, take two!
A*: WAR!
Es: WAR!
(chorus dance in and the music starts)
A*: WAR!
Es +Pro: WAR!
A*: We're going to start a huge war!
Es +Pro: WAR!
A*: Bigger than anything you've seen before!
Es +Pro: Before!
A*: And they'll call it the Garbage World War!
A*: We'll get a very big bomb,
And drop it on everyone,
Just for a bit of fun.
Es* Whilst we're in the spirit,
we'll find evil- and then kill it.
We're sick of all the skank,
we must admit we all smell rank.
ALL: Sooooo!
A*+Es: WAR!
The queen is a real Eyesore!
We'll give her what for.
By waging and winning our war...
Time Spiral!
Alice Plays 'Eryn'
Camilla as 'Davina'
Emily as 'Aqua'
Mindy as 'Yvonne'
Where did these lame names come from? Oh and by the way, this story I believe is the origin of favourite Camilla Catchphrase, 'Run to the power center! Alice will be waiting!'
Camera Fades in on Posh-looking Lab, with weird contraption in center. Eryn is Mucking about with the contraption. Aqua is sat in front of a large computer screen sucking a pen.
E: I've nearly finished, come and see!
A: Can't you see I'm busy trying to look thoughtful. I've got lots of important things to do, you know.
and thats all you get. crap? Indeed.
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